The Gifts of Grief

Nikita Gill once wrote of grief as being three children of which the last one comes with a gift. It was so beautifully described that I keep it in my own journal.

She wrote: Grief’s first born child is Anger. She storms from room to room, each window rattling in her wake, Destruction her middle name and she does not apologise for it. Hurricane in your chest, storm in your soul, she won’t release you until you shatter.

Grief’s second child is Sadness. She who crawls inside your bones and stretches her ivy hands till every part of you is constricted inside this web of torment. Tragedy in your bones, decay in your sinew, she will stay until you learn how to use the knife which cuts your way out.

Grief’s youngest child is named Healing. She who mends broken souls with lacquered gold, each crack glimmering in the sunlight. You will ask her why. Balm of your wound, gentle rain for your spirit, she will tell you that what you have grieved was never meant to be forgotten.

How beautiful is that? I feel that what is not meant to be forgotten is our own raw humanness, because what connects us to each other is grief.

Grief is a universal human experience, one that often arrives uninvited and unwelcome. It can be a heavy burden, overwhelming and consuming, but within its depths lie unexpected gifts waiting to be unearthed. While grief is often associated with pain and loss much like those children of grief that Nikita Gill wrote about, it also has the power to teach, transform, and ultimately, to heal. So what are the gifts that grief can offer us?

Perspective Shift: Grief has a way of shifting our perspective on life. It reminds us of the fragility of existence and the importance of cherishing each moment. Through grief, we gain a deeper appreciation for the people and experiences we hold dear, realizing their profound significance in our lives.

Emotional Depth: In the midst of grief, we may find ourselves experiencing a wide array of emotions – from sadness and anger to love and gratitude. These intense emotions, while challenging, can also enrich our emotional depth and capacity for empathy. Grief teaches us to embrace the full spectrum of human emotion, allowing us to connect more deeply with ourselves and others.

Strength and Resilience: Enduring grief requires tremendous strength and resilience. It tests our limits, pushing us to confront our deepest fears and vulnerabilities. Yet, through this struggle, we discover a reservoir of inner strength we never knew we possessed. Grief teaches us that we are capable of overcoming even the most profound challenges, emerging stronger and more resilient on the other side.

Transformation and Growth: As we journey through grief, we undergo profound transformations. We may reassess our priorities, reevaluate our beliefs, and redefine our sense of self. In the process, we discover new depths of insight and understanding, leading to personal growth and evolution. Grief becomes a catalyst for transformation, propelling us forward on our journey of self-discovery.

Connection and Community: Grief has a way of bringing people together, forging deep connections and fostering a sense of community. In times of loss, we often find solace in the support of others who have walked a similar path. Through shared experiences of grief, we form bonds that transcend words, offering comfort, companionship, and a sense of belonging.

Appreciation for Life: Ultimately, grief teaches us to appreciate the precious gift of life itself. It reminds us to live fully, love deeply, and cherish every moment we are given. In the face of loss, we are reminded of the fleeting nature of existence, urging us to seize the opportunity to create meaning and beauty in the world around us.

In conclusion, while grief may initially appear as a dark and daunting shadow, it carries within it the seeds of profound growth and transformation. It is a rite of passage in some way and when we dare to embrace our grief by allowing it the space it needs to move, our grief gifts us new abilities and insights.

We can navigate the journey of grief with courage, compassion, and ultimately, with hope. Through the darkness of grief, we discover the light of our own resilience and the boundless capacity of the human spirit to endure, heal, and thrive, and ultimately connect back to our humanness.

Written by Genevieve Matthews

Healing Trauma and Emotional Wounds

In addition to helping plan a client’s final moments, death doulas often help the dying person create a meaningful ‘legacy project’. Some people like to write letters to future grandchildren to open at their weddings, or put together their favorite recipe collection to pass on to loved ones.

You only die once- make the best of it.

In addition to helping plan a client’s final moments, death doulas often help the dying person create a meaningful ‘legacy project’. Some people like to write letters to future grandchildren to open at their weddings, or put together their favorite recipe collection to pass on to loved ones.

The legacy project can take many forms and is only limited by one’s imagination. Sometimes the legacy can take the form of a scrapbook or a collage. Some have made audio or video interviews. This legacy project is something the family will always remember their loved one by and to pass on to other generations.

These projects do not have to be big. It gives the patient direction and keeps the focus on living and not on dying.

Many times, death doulas solicit anecdotes and shared memories from people in the patient’s life so that the patient can see their impact on others. You may be asked to help set up reconciliations so that the dying person can make amends or let go of a long-held grudge.

You can conduct a ‘life review’ and ask how patients want to write the last chapter of their lives. Get specific and iron out details like, “What do you want the space to look like? Will you want massage? What rituals do you want your family to do right after you have died?

Death doulas can assist people plan their own funeral arrangements down to the smallest detail, which may include being ‘waked’ in their homes or attending their own living funeral.

Understanding the psychological and social experience of a dying person

Many people associate end-of-life care with treating physical pain.

While that is an important part, complete end-of-life care also includes helping the dying person manage mental and emotional distress.

An elder who is nearing the end of life who is alert might understandably feel depressed or anxious. Encourage conversations, so the elder has an opportunity to talk about their feelings.

You may want to contact a counselor, possibly one familiar with end-of-life issues.

If depression or anxiety is severe, medicine might provide relief.

Understanding the psychological and social experience of a dying person

Provide Time & Space For Communication

i) Be available to listen to concerns

ii) Communicate your ability to be present with the dying person verbally and non verbally

iii) Clarify to make sure that you understand concerns

iv) Provide clear, simple information on how person’s symptoms, problems and concerns can be addressed

v) Ask clarifying questions to make sure that you understand the person and that the person understands the end of life team

Communicate respect and acceptance of the dying person

i) Develop an awareness of the values and beliefs of the dying person and family

ii) Allow the dying person as much control as is possible in end of life care and living situation

iii) Maintain realism about expectations for the person’s needs and care, but avoid direct questioning of coping mechanisms such as denial

iv) Allow the person to use coping resources even when these seem to minimize the seriousness of the situation

v) Coping mechanisms, such as denial, may be the best or only way for the person to live with a highly stressful and discouraging reality without being overwhelmed

Death: a word that many of us fear to hear, some people are barely able to speak the word without fear that it may become their reality. Death is more than just a physical process. Many people who care for those who are dying report that something other than the physiological closing down of the body’s systems happens as we begin to approach death.

It is not always easy to talk about death and dying and it is a common reaction for people so shy away from speaking about death to those who are dying or grieving for a deceased loved one.

The most important gift you can give to the dying is to listen to them. When a dying person senses that family and friends are uncomfortable talking to them about their pending death, it can be hard for them to tell you want they want or need or what they are experiencing, leaving them felling lonely and isolated, not knowing how to say goodbye.

It is a profound experience to be with someone that you love who is at the point of death. How we die is a profoundly personal journey. The goal of palliative and holistic care for people who are facing death focuses on assisting them to enjoy as good a quality of life as possible. Giving end of life care may include keeping the patient as comfortable as possible in order to relieve unnecessary suffering.

Dying may mean different things to different people, however, most share a common goal and that is to die a good death. What do we mean by dying a good death? A good death is for the dying person to be free from avoidable distress and suffering, for them to be at peace and as comfortable as possible, surrounded by those closest to them.

The journey towards death is as much about getting to know yourself as any part of life. Learning to recognize one’s needs – be they medical, emotional, or spiritual – is something that may become more acute when facing death. Being able to identify these needs is an important part of what it means to die well.